- Sleeping
This state of troll includes troll being asleep and it also includes troll being Awake, because when we are talking about troll, they are practically the same thing.
Rule of troll #1: His eyes are ALWAYS closed. NO exceptions.
Trolls eyes are always closed, forcing him in to a state of permeant slumber. As a result he can’t tell the difference between his dreams and reality. Keep this in mind when interacting with troll and be on guard: There is a high probability that he will mistake you for a mate if you don’t choose your words carefully.
- Eating/searching for food
Rule of troll #2: He is always hungry
50% of troll’s schedule is devoted to this stage. For troll, a constant stream of food is vital: Without this food, he will revert to a feral, demonic, beastlike form which consumes everything in sight and has a million penises that ejaculate rainbow coloured plasma which gives aids to anyone it touches. Thus is the essence of state 5, which will be discussed in detail later.
So don’t forget: if ever troll stomps up and demands to see your lunch money, you’d better do it, or you could find yourself suffering a fate much MUCH worse then extortion by troll. Just be happy that he doesn’t eat humans any more – he likes to keep a healthy diet.
- Teh secks
This stage encompasses the following: Troll dancing, Troll sex and the Troll mating ritual. Watching troll dance is one of those “Must do it before you die!” things. Essentially, this state of troll involves him putting his “moves” on display, often with extremely dangerous, intensely painful and totally hilarious results.
Troll sex is not exactly troll “sex”. It could be better described as Troll demonstrating his method of penetrating three females at once. Of course the traditional habitat of troll is a boy’s high school, so finding suitable females for the demonstration is quite hard and if isn’t hard then it is most certainly illegal. With no females, troll will proceed to have intercourse with thin air. This provokes reactions such as “Oh Diooooooowwwww!”, “WTF are you doing troll?”, “You stupid, fat ugly troll”, “Keep it in your pants!”, “Oi! You don’t fuck with me!”, “WTF are you doing Semlar?”, “STFU Warna you’re a girl!”, “Oh yeah! Kodsi!”, “Shut up Lemar!”, “That’s what she said!”, “Sssooowwwttaaaaaaaaaa!!!”, “Do I need to call the principal to handle this blatant disregard of the school rules?!?” etc etc etc.
The troll mating ritual is pretty much the same as above, except that it can involve more then three females and has a hell of a lot more variety in the thrusting department. Who would have thought that a rock could move that fast!
- Getting beaten up
This is a routine exercise for troll. A day can’t be called a day until troll gets beaten up. If a day goes by without troll getting beaten up at least once, you must have been dreaming. This state most often follows state 3. Troll will attempt to dance and everyone will be horrified and proceed to beat up troll to make him stop it. It is really hard to get a rock to dance; therefore it must be even harder to get a rock to stop dancing. Beating troll up seems to be the only method and it has proven to be the most effective method to date. Maybe getting beaten up is like a backrub for trolls….He certainly seems to enjoy this state: once I could swear I heard him snoring, but it’s hard to tell because his eyes are always closed.
- Beast mode
This state of troll is one of those “If you know what it is then you are already dead” kind of things. This state can only be observed if troll is not permitted to eat for 1 hour straight. Doing this is a sure way to get yourself killed and it will result in torn up underwear all over the globe. You can also observe normal people in this state when they are participating in sport. Going beast mode is what some athletes strive to achieve, some actually do! But we don’t hear about them because they get deported to mars. Troll should be kept under close observation whenever he is participating in sporting activities. You never know when that call to the zoo’s “Uncontrollable animal’s team” might be necessary……
Troll is in a state of permanent slumber
His eyes remain shut, through lightning and thunder.
The only time he will ever try to wake
Is when he senses a potential mate.
When Troll is asleep then troll is awake
His eyes will never open unless he smells cake.
This side of Troll is not very fun
Because sleeping is the essence of state number one.
Troll is always hungry, he can’t get enough food
If he demands your lunch money you’d best not be rude.
For refusal means a fate worse then extortion by Troll
No one enjoys getting raped; quick, give him some dole.
If Troll is not kept extremely well-fed
He may go beast mode and rough you up in bed.
Run away very fast if Troll points at you
Eating is the energy that fuels state number two.
What part of state three is the most pitiful?
Troll dancing, Troll sex and the Troll mating ritual.
By the way sex is the creation of life have you heard?
It also plays a big part in state of Troll, the third.
Watching Troll dance is torture most foul
His dancing must be met with loud cries of “Diow!”
Whenever Troll threatens to put his moves on display
Be fast and beat him up; don’t let him get away.
It is extremely hard to get a rock to dance
It’s even harder to bash one into a trance.
But don’t give up, it must be done,
If Troll won’t stop dancing then resort to a gun.
A day’s not a day until Troll’s beaten up
To Troll it’s a backrub welcomed with “Yay!” and “Wassup!”
So have no fear, this thing doesn’t roar
Bashing up Troll is welcome in state part four.
The final state? Please something else instead!
If you know what it is you are already dead.
Beast mode is the price that Troll must pay
If he does not eat at all for one whole day.
Keep an eye on troll when he participates in sport,
If he starts to foam at the mouth hold up inside a fort.
Troll becomes hard to kill; he’s said to have nine lives
Make sure to protect yourself; beware of state number five.
Now that you have read all this crap
You should know how to set a Troll trap.
So whenever you’re finding school to be droll
Just have a quick chuckle at the five states of Troll.
Alex Herlihy – 2008
Johnny is a Bishop, Heretic, Prophet, Priest, Apostle and ASM (Ascended Spiritual Master). On his good days he is often also the one true almighty God incarnate. He enjoys writing theology and philosophy articles and spreading the Gospel promise of Universal Salvation